Riding the Baby Roller Coaster

It’s official:  Hollie is in the terrible twos.  Unlike with Sofia, whose second year passed without a hitch, Hollie has been crying uncontrollably pretty much since her second birthday.  It’s not constant, but it can be triggered without a hint of warning.  Situations like these beg the question: Why do toddlers go through the terrible twos?  And more importantly, what can we, as mothers, do to maintain our sanity throughout?  Sure, there are tons of books written about the subject- but who has time to read them when their child is throwing a tantrum on the floor? 

While many parents know that 2-year-old’s tantrums are inevitable, many get frustrated because the crying starts suddenly and their child can’t exactly express why.  Do toddlers go through the terrible two’s because they want us to suffer?  It sometimes feels like that.  But if you think about it logically, this unpleasant stage is entirely understandable.  By the time a child is two, he or she generally understands what’s going on around him, and he wants to be a part of it.  He may not be able to tell you exactly what he wants, which can lead to frustration and aggravation that manifests itself in tears.  Alternatively, your 2-year-old may be able to tell you exactly what he wants, but since he now understands the word NO, he may throw a tantrum to protest your denial of his request.  In either case, tantrums and tears are understandable, even if they’re unpleasant.  So…what can we do to make this phase more tolerable? 

1-      Stay Calm
 Staying calm in the face of hysterics is difficult for even the most controlled mother.  It is especially difficult when the outburst occurs in a public place and you are the subject of stares and comments of gawking bystanders.  Nevertheless it is necessary to stay calm while your child is acting out in order to demonstrate that you are in control and that such antics will not help the situation.  While it may take time (in some cases a lot of time) for your child to learn this lesson, it will eventually happen. 
2-      Do Not Punish or Threaten a Child in the Middle of a Tantrum
 Although it seems natural to threaten your child with a punishment in order to “convince” him to acquiesce, giving a child an ultimatum during his tantrum will seldom serve to solve the problem and will likely cause him to get angrier instead of calmer.  Instead,
3-      Offer Praise or Rewards for Good Behavior
 Constantly reminding your child that good behavior does not go unnoticed will likely encourage him to keep up the good work.  And, while a little bit of praise is always appreciated, children tend to appreciate physical rewards so much more than hugs (sad, but true!).  Keeping a record of your child’s good behavior on a chart and rewarding him when he reaches certain behavior milestones is a great way to let your child know that you are always paying attention- to both the good deeds and the bad.
4-      Leave Your Child Alone
 Mothers who have tried the above methods and have found their children to be continually combative should not despair.  While the terrible twos may feel longer to you than to other parents, you can gradually learn to tune out the screaming by leaving your child alone during his outbursts.  Whenever possible, place him (even kicking and screaming) into an isolated area, preferably into his crib or a place where he cannot do serious damage.  Let him calm down on his own so that you can focus on other things and avoid the frustration associated with such outbursts.  Letting him cool off independently will also teach your child how to gain control of his emotions and behaviors. 
5-      Remember: This Too Shall Pass
Those who find themselves constantly asking “Why do toddlers go through the terrible twos?” may be on the verge of having their own tantrum.  However, it is important to remember that although each tantrum may feel like a year, this unpleasant stage will likely be only a small part of your child’s life- one that you will hopefully forget by the time he gets married.  

When I gave birth to my first daughter, I took a leave of absence from the law firm where I had been working. I honestly thought that staying home with baby would be a breeze. After all, compared to waking up at the crack of dawn, putting on heels and makeup, commuting for an hour via train and subway and staring at documents hour upon hour, wouldn’t staying home be a million times more relaxing? Sure, I loved being home with Sofia and not having to commute, but I quickly found that I wasn’t a bit less tired (or more relaxed) than I was while I was working. And let me tell you the mix of motherhood and exhaustion is a recipe for disaster.

“The powers that be” (don’t ask me exactly who they are) insist that you should “sleep when the baby is sleeping”- a plan I was sure would prevent the treacherous motherhood and exhaustion mix. But when the laundry piles up, the dishes are in the sink and The View is on, how can anyone really think about napping? And, on the few days that I implemented that “sagacious” wisdom, I found that I couldn’t sleep at night because my daytime nap had thrown my internal clock out of whack. Needless to say, those first few weeks of my maternity leave were not a “piece of cake” as I had anticipated.
Over time, however, I’ve discovered that there are several ways to combat the fatigue associated with motherhood (most of the time). I’d love to hear your tried and true strategies as well. Who knows- perhaps together we can find the cure!

I breastfed my first daughter for 8 long months. Straight. Without ever even giving her a bottle. And I cried the whole time. It was painful (oh, so painful!), time consuming and exhausting. I was eating and drinking more than I had when I was pregnant, and was still never satisfied. I found that I couldn’t have friends over, put anything in the oven or go to the grocery store, because inevitably I would need to nurse in the middle of my intended task. I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) breastfeed in public, and I hated stopping my activities in the middle (or burning the family dinner because I couldn’t make it to the oven in time).

I tried to nurse my second daughter, but I just couldn’t seem to get it together, and gave up while we were still in the hospital. With number 3, I didn’t even try. I’m not a quitter. Really, I’m not. But I just found that I was so miserable when I was breastfeeding. And after a while I realized that I loved my babies so much more when I didn’t cry every time they did. I gradually came to accept that it’s okay not to breastfeed if doing so will make you suffer or will make you resent your child. After all, that’s why Similac was invented, wasn’t it?

I should start off by saying that I wasn’t breastfed. And I think I turned out fine. I mean, they say that breastfeeding builds healthier babies, smarter babies and creates a wonderful mother-child relationship. And yet, despite thriving on a man-made substance during my first year, I finished a graduate degree, have a healthy relationship with my parents, and I’ve thankfully never had any serious disease or chronic illnesses. Of course, I’m not denying the proven benefits of breastfeeding. Instead, I’m arguing that bottle-fed babies can also turn into thriving, healthy people.At first, the guilt that I felt when I decided not to breastfeed was nearly unbearable. I mean, in today’s organically-enthused, all-natural age, I felt like a Similac-dependent black sheep. After all, how could a woman who claimed to love her baby not want to do what’s best for the baby? Wasn’t I being selfish by doing what was more comfortable for me? I argue that I wasn’t- and that mothers who choose not to breastfeed should be applauded for their decision instead of criticized.

For starters, it should be recognized that there are many ways to show a baby that you love it. While some mothers may return to work and leave their child lovingly-pumped breast milk for the babysitter, I chose to give my baby lovingly-prepared formula while spending every waking moment with her throughout the day. Moreover, while I am feeding the baby, I make every effort to hold her close and nuzzle her, as I would if I was breastfeeding, so that she won’t feel any less bonded to her mother.
The convenience of bottle feeding is also a value of utmost importance, and a benefit that should not be ignored. While it may be a bit more difficult to clean bottles and prepare them (challenges that mothers who pump milk also face), the ability to feed your child anywhere can - and often is - a blessing. I love living with the knowledge that I can take Odelia anywhere at any time, and that she won’t be starving until I can find a comfortable and secluded place to nurse, something that is often impossible to find at the grocery store.

A final reason why I chose not to breastfeed is the bonding time that it gives my daughters and their father. My husband is willing and able to help out with the nighttime feedings, thus giving him extra bonding time with our babies while allowing me to catch up on some much needed sleep. His ability to feed Odelia during the day (usually on weekends) also gives him extra bonding time with her and teaches our older daughters that fathers can and should care for their children as lovingly as Mommy does.

The decision to breastfeed or bottle-feed is entirely personal. While there are plusses and minuses for both types of nourishment, there is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to bottle feed. I just wish someone had told me that when I made this momentous decision.

Ethan just recently rejected me. That’s it. He’s done breastfeeding. And I have to admit, I’m going through a bit of grieving. My baby is moving on to his next stage in life. I do feel satisfaction knowing that he is clearly ready to separate – and that I’ve given him the best tools possible for a healthy life. I was hoping to continue to nurse him until he turned one year, but I’m certainly thrilled that he received all of the health and emotional benefits of nursing for as long as he did. The research on breastfeeding superiority just can’t be disputed. There is simply no comparison between this and bottle feeding.

When a woman is unable to breastfeed, I think it’s a disgrace if anyone makes her feel bad about this reality. I feel badly for people who aren’t able to reap the many benefits of this amazing gift. I know that some women quit for various reasons, not the least of which is the initial discomfort and difficulty. Since breastfeeding is a natural action, one would assume that it’s easy. Unfortunately, for many women, it is very painful and frustrating in the beginning. It is, however, absolutely worthwhile to push through these initial bumps to breastfeeding success. Here are just some of my reasons why breastfeeding superiority really can’t be disputed:

1. A Gift to Your Baby: It is an absolute miracle that we are made, not only to give birth, but to supply our babies with exactly what they need as they grow. Everyone knows that breast milk is better for the baby. But, when you start to do the research, it’s really astounding how MUCH better it is. Recent studies show that babies who aren’t exclusively breastfed for six months are more likely to develop all sorts of infectious diseases including ear infections, diarrhea, and respiratory illnesses, and they have more hospitalizations. These infants have a 21% higher post infant mortality rate in the U.S.! Some studies have even suggested that they have a higher rate of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and higher rates of diabetes, lymphoma, leukemia, Hodgkin’s disease, obesity, high cholesterol and asthma. The list goes on and on. Breastfeeding has even more significant research for premature babies. But, you get the picture.

2. Saving Money: Babies are incredibly expensive. One relief for me has always been that I don’t have to spend even more money than I already am by purchasing formula. Research estimates that women who bottle feed spend, on average, four times as much in the first year as women who breastfeed.

3. A Gift for Me: Breastfeeding superiority not only benefits the baby; it benefits the mother as well. Nursing uses extra calories, allowing women to lose their pregnancy weight faster. It helps women to recover from birth, making the uterus return to its normal size faster and helps to lessen bleeding. It lowers the risk of breast and ovarian cancer and possibly the risk of hip fractures and osteoporosis after menopause.

4. An Emotional Gift for Me: While breastfeeding has obvious health benefits for the mother, it also has amazing emotional benefits. After carrying a baby around for nine months, I feel a sense of loss when the baby is born. It is a blessing to have a way to continue to connect physically with the baby that I nourished for so long. Breastfeeding creates an incredible physical bond with your child. It allows you to take some quiet, relaxed time for yourself and your baby, and gives you a chance to slow down. With each child, I have found the first few weeks of breastfeeding to be very painful and incredibly tiring. That is completely normal. Once you get through this phase, however, it is a beautiful, powerful way to fulfill your baby’s needs and to connect to your child. I have found it to be an amazing bridge between pregnancy and independence for the baby – allowing me extra time with my baby for the first year before I let go and ease him into regular society.

5. Convenience: I’m a milk machine on the go. When I leave the house with the baby, I don’t have to think about schlepping bottles and formula with me. I don’t ever get caught somewhere without enough milk to keep my baby satisfied. Furthermore, when we travel, I don’t worry about whether they will sell the same formula where we are going; I don’t worry about carrying enough formula with us. As an added benefit, my babies have always found relief for their ears when I nurse during a flight.

6. Breastfeeding Superiority for Society: The benefits of breastfeeding go beyond my baby and me. It is better for society at large, as well. Breastfeeding cuts down on health care costs since breastfed babies typically need fewer sick care visits, prescriptions and hospitalizations. It cuts down on sick leave days, as breastfed mothers miss less work to care for sick infants. Finally, breastfeeding is better for the environment – there is no trash and plastic waste, no formula cans and bottle supplies to throw away. All he needs is me!

7. Fatherly Bonding: While my husband doesn’t do the feedings since I’m nursing, he certainly has ample room to bond with his new baby. There are diapers to change, baths to give, and tummies to rub. As our children have grown, he’s been able to feed them solid foods, to offer a bottle of pumped breast milk, and to teach them how to juggle Cheerios on their noses.

The birth of a baby is an amazing gift – being able to supply them with all of their nutrients is a miracle. Breastfeeding is hard work, and it takes commitment and perseverance. Most truly beneficial and worthwhile projects in life take work – but we often find the greatest reward and satisfaction from these achievements. I’m kissing Ethan goodbye this week from his first stage in life and ushering him into his second, more independent one. Wish him luck on his journey!

It’s that time of year again. The winter is (hopefully) behind us, homework should be slowly tapering off, and we should be feeling the first long-anticipated relaxing moments of summer. But suddenly the leisure time must be interrupted, and instead of enjoying the outdoors, we find ourselves stuck inside the mall, searching endlessly for unique Father’s Day gifts that we pray our men will love. This is only my husband’s fourth Father’s Day as a father, and I’m already frustrated by the excruciating shopping process, wherein nothing is good enough- and the things that are good enough (like that trip to Thailand he’s been dying for) are just way too expensive. So I ask myself: Are there such things as truly unique Father’s Day gifts? Am I just looking for a needle in the haystack? Or can men learn to be satisfied with gifts that show our thoughtfulness, even if the gifts we present are necessities instead of novelties?

This year, my husband has already hinted that he needs a new briefcase. But will getting him a briefcase be a good way to show my appreciation to him for being a wonderful father to our girls? Or will it be the easy way out because it involves little effort on my part? Is it okay to get our men something that they need and pass it off as something that they want? I’m not sure that I have the answers to any of these questions. But what I can say from my limited personal experience, is that while men (like women), enjoy the surprise of getting a truly distinct gift, they are also happy with anything they’ve already told you they want- even if it’s not one of the most unique Father’s Day gifts out there. So here’s a list of some great gifts that your man will probably love- it may not be exclusive, but it will likely be appreciated- and that, at the end of the day, is all that really counts.

1- New Barbeque Grill (Or Grill Accessories) - They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and it is likely easier for us women if the men can get there themselves. Giving your man a grill is a great way for him to get the steak he loves without dirtying your kitchen.

2- Satellite Radio - Men love gadgets and they love music. Why not combine these two hobbies? Hours of entertainment for him, hours of peace for women.

3- Tickets to a Concert He’ll Love (But You Probably Won’t) - Your man will definitely feel appreciated with concert tickets to a band he loves. Show him you love him by going with him (even if you HATE Springsteen), or let him go with a friend and enjoy a guy’s night out.

4- Picture Frame Desk Blotter - While men might not understand the need for a desk blotter, they’ll definitely love peeking at snapshots of you and the kids when their desk manages to get uncluttered for a moment. This gift also serves as a constant reminder that you love and appreciate your man.  

5- Magazine Subscription - Whether your man is picking up a new hobby or has always had a passion for sports or cars, show him you share his interest by getting him a subscription to a magazine about his topic of choice.

6- A Romantic Weekend Getaway - Even if you only travel to the next town, a relaxing and romantic weekend without the kids is a great way to reward your husband for the wonderful work he’s done throughout the year.

The most important thing to consider when choosing a gift for your husband is not how much it costs or whether it’s one of the most unique Father’s Day gifts ever. It is more important to consider whether he needs it or whether he can use it- or whether it will just get shoved into the back of his closet (with the sweater you got him last year). So take a moment to put a bit of thought into your gift- and hopefully, he’ll do the same when it’s his turn to get a gift for you.  

 

Well, I guess it was inevitable. There are trade-offs to sending children to large daycare facilities, rather than having a nanny at home; one of those trade-offs seems to be viruses. Probably the most well known, and contagious, of these common childhood diseases is (drum roll please…) chicken pox. Yep, Ethan, my eight month old baby, came home with chicken pox last week. So, what is a working mother of four to do with a baby covered in red spots? I was presented with many questions about the chicken pox vaccine and symptoms of chicken pox last week. Here are some of my discoveries. I’d love to hear about yours.First of all, even though I was 100% sure that it was chicken pox, I still went for a visit to the doctor. I had heard that other parents thought that their children had chicken pox, only to find out they were mosquito bites. Also, while I know about the chicken pox vaccine and symptoms of chicken pox, it’s still important to hear about it from the doctor. It turns out that my son’s case of chicken pox doesn’t even work towards our goal of immunity. Poor kid. The chicken pox vaccine isn’t given until a child turns one, and chicken pox immunity doesn’t generally occur unless they contract chicken pox after they are one. So, a child who gets chicken pox before one isn’t necessarily building up the antibodies to guarantee immunity. My first question to the doctor, therefore, was: How will I know if Ethan is immune after this? The doctor said that I can either give him a blood test to check for the antibodies, give him the shot when he’s one, or try to re-expose him after he turns one to see if he’ll get it again.

It’s 5pm on a Tuesday afternoon. The baby is crying, your toddler is hungry, and you’re completely exhausted from an afternoon of playing (preceded by a long day of housework, or regular work, of course). Wouldn’t it be great if dinner just magically appeared on the table, without any of the stress involved? Sure, you could order in every night, but the expense and fat content of take out food is hardly ideal. What you really should try is menu planning for toddlers. You want a list of easy and healthy dinners that you can make on a regular basis that will satisfy your toddler and prevent your stress levels rising every time you think about dinner. Because I currently have two toddlers, I feel qualified to offer my own toddler meal suggestions. But like every other mother, I also get bored of the same food repeatedly, and would love to hear your suggestions as well.

 1. Fish - Fish is a great food to serve toddlers because it is healthy, tasty and can be cooked in a variety of ways. When menu planning for toddlers, consider making salmon burgers one week, flounder fish sticks another week and tuna casserole another. This variety will keep the menu interesting, ensure that your toddlers (and yourself) receive necessary Omega-3 fatty acids, reduce the risk of coronary heart disease and increase good cholesterol. Let me offer a word of warning, though. Be careful not to serve fish more than once or twice a week, as it has long been thought that fish contains mercury, which can be harmful if ingested in large quantities.

2. Pasta - To be sure, menu planning for toddlers is about eating healthy- but it is also about making your life easier and maintaining your mental health! Pasta can be both healthy and versatile. Not only does pasta come in different shapes that can keep your children entertained, it can also be supplemented with vegetables and cheese to add extra nutrients to the meal. Make the dinner healthier by using whole wheat pasta. Serve it with tomato sauce for added lycopene, a powerful antioxidant that fights cancer and heart disease. With so many ways to make a well-balanced pasta dish, you should be able to maintain your sanity- and your children’s health.

3. Eggs - Eggs offer a significant intake of protein, folate, iron and zinc, while providing your child with a delicious dinner. My daughters (and their friends) love hard-boiled eggs, but they alternate with cheese omelets for added calcium and a variety of tastes. Serve cut up cucumbers, peppers and avocado slices as a sidedish to make the meal more balanced. Cherry tomatoes are also one of my girls’ favorites.

4. Chicken - It goes without saying that chicken can also be cooked in a multitude of ways, many of which are perfect for children. When menu planning for toddlers, consider what other foods your child likes, and include them in the dinner. My girls like dried fruit, for example, so I love throwing some prunes, raisins and apricots in with my chicken to provide a natural sweetness and a healthy treat for the kids. Chicken breasts wrapped around broccoli spears is also an easy and beautiful dish that kids can enjoy, as is chicken served on a bed of quinoa. On a cold winter’s day consider serving chicken soup with rice, a meal that provides the protein found in chicken, the nutrients found in vegetables, and the carbohydrates found in rice. Put your chicken in a slow-cooker so that it is ready at dinner time, or make it in advance, and reheat it for an easy dinner on any weeknight.

5. Quiche - Although quiche takes a bit more effort to prepare than most of the other dinner options mentioned here, it can also be prepared in advance and frozen, so that it will be ready quickly even on the most hectic days. Made with vegetables, eggs and various types of cheeses, quiche offers a host of nutrients, as well as protein and calcium. I prefer to make a crust-less quiche, to avoid the added fat found in the crust (and the time that it takes to make the dough). Consider making a quiche with a vegetable that you know your children like so that you will not be met with resistance. Or you can make a cheese or egg soufflé without vegetables for children who are wary of new foods. After they discover that they like the ‘filling’ introduce vegetables the next time around.

With these 5 ideas for menu planning for toddlers, you can create umpteen dinners. Plan the meals a week in advance so that you won’t have to start thinking when the phone is ringing and the children are calling for help. And most of all, remember that toddlers can be picky eaters. Let them learn to eat what you serve…and one day they’ll be thanking you! 

Our first son cheated when he learned how to ride a bike. Completely cheated. Somehow, this magical child stood in the middle of a street at the age of four, hopped on to his friend’s bike, and rode away. We couldn’t believe it. My husband and I had already created a command center in the house – we were prepared to spend weeks trading off, running alongside Max, stocking up on band-aids, nursing wounds and the like. We had read every manual about how to teach bike riding to a child…and off he went, as if there was nothing to it.

This taught us our first lesson. Kids are ready to learn to ride a bike at different times. If they aren’t quite ready yet, don’t push them. If, on the other hand, they are completely ready, don’t project any of your own fears or expectations on to them. They may not realize that it’s supposed to be a difficult process – and you might find yourself actually hindering their ability with too many instructions and explanations. Sometimes the best help that we can offer is to get out of the way!

Assuming, however, that not every child is like Max, let’s explore some techniques for how to teach bike riding to a child. First, they need to spend a good deal of time on a two-wheel bike, with training wheels and a helmet, of course. You need to make sure that they are riding smoothly and easily, that they know how to stop, that they can get up hills without too much effort, and that they seem to be balancing properly. Once these techniques are established, it’s time to peel away the training wheels, take a deep breath, and begin. Our second son, Judah, has just reached this stage. He’s been begging us for ages to take off the training wheels. We don’t want him to be discouraged, however, and have been impressing upon him that he needs to keep practicing and building up his balance. So, when he was finally ready, we headed to the grass at the nearest flat park. It is essential, when working on how to teach bike riding to a child, to bring them somewhere that they won’t get hurt. This can be a park with spongy padding on the ground, or it can be a grassy area. While it seems strange to ask a child to ride on grass, it can really make the difference between a fearful experience they dread, and one where they can fall without scrapes and bruises.

Next, my husband geared up to ride behind Judah over and over and over again. At first, he held on to the back of the bike and kept Judah steady. At small intervals, he would let go of the bike and let Judah get the feeling for balancing on his own. Eventually, after many trials and errors, Judah started to ride. This experience can take hours, days or weeks to achieve. When thinking about how to teach bike riding to a child, remember that every child is different. Some will learn quickly and others will take a long time. Keep encouraging the child with positive feedback and keep running behind him, letting go for short periods at a time.

Finally, after riding with Judah on the grass for a few weeks, he was feeling confident enough to try the pavement. I had to hold my breath while he rode, but he really did a great job. It’s very important as well, not to project our fears onto our kids. Most kids have a much higher tolerance level for pain, and much less fear than their parents. Judah doesn’t need to know that I’m terrified that he is going to fall; he thinks that this is all part of the adventure, and he is determined to get up on that bike like his older brother does.

After your child has learned to ride, make sure that he is really comfortable and confident before allowing him to go too far. Give him boundaries until he is able to build up his expertise and ride confidently and well. Teach him riding safety, and make sure that he is always wearing a helmet – no matter what. And then, take out the handkerchief and wave goodbye, as you watch him pass one more hurdle in the process of growing up!