Important Qualities to Maintain a Happy Marriage After Having Children
While a baby brings an incredible amount of joy and exhilaration into a family, it also changes the equilibrium between husband and wife. This is true in all settings – but particularly so for a woman who has been focusing on a career or has come to motherhood later in life. With all of these changes, it is helpful to think about the qualities to maintain a happy marriage while balancing motherhood. While some of these qualities require work and communication with one’s partner, other suggestions and tips focus exclusively on one member in the relationship.
Among the many issues that create conflict in a family, the division of labor and the interactions with extended family are two of the most prominent. It is important to examine how couples approach these issues as they can greatly influence the husband and wife relationship.
Dividing the labor in the home is one important way to create a rich home environment that is free of resentment. Many women find themselves taking on much of the burden in the home after a baby. There are now many new things to complete; there is more laundry to fold; there are dinner meals that need to be thought-out and healthy; and there are constant feedings and interruptions to the routine. This work only increases as the child grows and more children are introduced. It is very easy for women to become resentful if most of this activity becomes their burden. One of the qualities to maintain a happy marriage is to firmly establish a concrete division of labor. The two of you can, and should, verbally agree upon which items will be his tasks and which yours. If you are now in charge of all cooking and dishes, he can maintain the laundry and give the baths. Obviously, if the divisions that you create break down, or it doesn’t work for you after a trial period, it is important to talk about the issues and to create new assignments.
Another essential component to the marriage relationship after children involves your approach to extended family. The introduction of babies into the family means the introduction of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Many spouses find that their main arguments, once they have children, revolve around their extended families. Compromise, boundaries and goals are some of the qualities to maintain a happy marriage in these situations. It is important to remember that you are a couple – and now a family – and that you need to approach your parents and in-laws as such. Make room for extended family in your life, but also set boundaries that will make both you and your spouse comfortable. Talk to your husband about your frustrations with your mother-in-law or your discomfort with your sister-in-law, but allow your spouse to voice his opinions as well. Together, you must devise a plan for dealing with family that everyone can live with, and that will maintain your marriage relationship and your new family environment.
While some of the qualities to maintain a happy marriage involve both husband and wife, some, ironically, only involve the wife. If you are able to create a comfortable environment for yourself in the home, and to find a way to calm the chaos and also relax at times, this will, in turn, reflect on your marriage relationship.
Two main ways to achieve these goals involve asking for help, and finding time for yourself. Many women find the afternoon juggling act very difficult. Rather than trying to be everything to everyone, and ending up angry when your husband arrives home ready for dinner and a night of relaxation, you are entitled to ask for help. One easy way to accomplish this goal is to hire a teenager to come to your house as many afternoons as possible to help you with your many tasks. Ironically, such a small addition can truly help in your marriage. Rather than feeling resentful and frustrated with your husband when he finally arrives at home, you will feel that you’ve had assistance during the crazy afternoon hours. This may enable you to approach the evening with more energy and focus, to have dinner as a family, and to spend a few quiet hours with your spouse at the day’s end.
Similarly, another one of the ironic qualities to maintain a happy marriage is to take care of yourself. If you feel overburdened, exhausted and frustrated, it is very difficult to work on your relationship and to feel like you have anything to give. Take some time for yourself each week to do your favorite activities. If you work outside the home during the day – try to get away for a nice lunch by yourself once in a while. Drive home the slow way one afternoon a week and stop to enjoy a sunset. Wake up early and relax with a cup of coffee on the patio alone. Leave the kids with a babysitter and get yourself a manicure. Taking time for yourself doesn’t have to be a large expense, or a lengthy exercise – but it does have to be a time that you’ve carved out and dedicated to your own care. If you are more relaxed, and feel that your needs are being met, you are more likely to approach your marriage with energy and effort.
Marriage is a muscle that needs constant exercise and attention. If it remains stagnant, it withers. All changes in our homes create changes in our marriages and our relationships. Our job is to work with those changes, and to develop qualities to maintain a happy marriage.
