ADD & Homework

Q. Dear Bracha, My 7 year old is in second grade and he hates to do his homework. We often spend an entire afternoon fighting about when he will do his work. He spaces out, takes forever to get started, says he needs help even if he doesn't, etc. I'd like to give him the responsibility, but I'm worried that he'll never get his work done if I don't remind him and stay on top of him while he works. How can we create a better balance?

A. There are so many mothers out there who will bless you for asking this question! Homework wars are a bane to many families and it is so sad and, in most cases, unnecessary.

First, let us admit to the fact that this behavior is very complex and may take some time to bring it under control. Consistency in your approach is of vital importance, as is your ability to take a step back from the situation and watch what is going on and how your child is reacting to the changes you are making. You also must know that not all children are the same in their ability to process and store (remember) information. It may be wise to have your child checked for any learning disabilities, especially for anything that may interfere with his ability to read, such as an eye coordination problem that can be easily overlooked. Clues to this can be seen in his ability to read. Does he miss little words or the beginning or end of words on a regular basis? If so, please ask your pediatrician and consider taking him to a specialist.

If you are fairly certain that a learning problem is not the issue, then I suggest looking at the homework situation in terms of attention. How much attention does your child receive from his parents over the issue of homework? As we have discussed* it does not matter to a child if the attention he receives is positive or negative; as long as you are spending time interacting with him, using eye contact, touch and/or vocalization - that's attention. To change behavior you must remove these things, therefore removing reward for the behavior your child is displaying. However, you cannot leave a ''vacuum;'' once you change your behavior so as not to reward your child with attention, you must make an avenue by which he will be guided towards more appropriate behavior. If you leave him to his own devices, the tendency is for him to replace the current negative, but no longer effective, behavior with something even more negative in order to get your attention back.

Method: As always these are suggestions in order for you to have a guideline. You will need to ''tweak'' the responses as your son's behavior changes. Remember in terms of attention your son has you. You feel, as most parents do, that you must get him through his homework. There in lies your problem. You have taken on the responsibility for HIS homework. As long as this is true, you will never gain control of the situation.

The responsibility for homework must always be the child's, not the parent's.

The question now becomes: How do you make a child take responsibility, or at least act like he is taking the responsibility, for his homework at such a young age? I usually recommend the following be tried. First, most children need a little decompression time when they first come home. Set a firm time for this, as well as activities allowed, making sure that you use your observation skills to note if any activities make it more difficult for him to settle down afterwards. Next, when homework is started, where and under what conditions does he perform the best? If possible to allow for minimum distractions, this would be nice, but often in large families, not practical. Please note that distraction is a ''red herring;'' almost everyone has better concentration in a quiet environment, but children who grow up in a busy home are used to a certain level of noise and can often block it out. They will, of course, use this as an excuse to deflect responsibility and increase attention. This should not be allowed. A very casual ''oh well'' or ''that's too bad'' or a nonchalant, ''just do the best you can'' pleasant toned response for this complaint is all that is necessary unless a sibling is actively trying to disrupt your seven year old's work.

So we have set the scene. Your seven year old has now relaxed a bit, has sat down to do home work at the appointed time, in an area you can easily keep an eye on him, with distraction no longer being an excuse and we ask - What's his motivation!? Why should he do homework anyway? It's boring! Unless he's a go-getter, you have no right to expect him to be keen on getting it done. So what is your son keen on? What does he like to do that you would let him do on a regular basis, if he had no homework? Watch a T.V. program, listen to a tape or watch a video? Play a game or work with a favorite hobby? Whatever it is, it's this you must find and work with to your best advantage.

This is the basic set up. The actual times you will change to suit your child. You decide which subjects your son really needs you for and how long he should need your help, if he is working well. You will explain the new system to him and let him know that he has a budget of your time. Once he has used up his allotment of ''parent help'' for the day, he is on his own. You will also sweeten the system by promoting a motivational factor that is the recreational factor mentioned above. Let him know that as soon as he is finished he can do this activity that he likes. You may have to work on this depending on you child. Some children cannot hold this concept unless it is in front of them. ie. if it is a video or toy, try placing it on the table where they can see it but it is out of reach. In some cases it is necessary to turn on the video or T.V.** program in another room so that your son can hear it and know what he is missing. Next, turn the sound down so it is just a little too low for him to make out, but so that he is still aware it is on.

Now we have an essentially motivated child. Next, we need to be using the attention he is receiving from his parents, under the control of his parents. By setting a consistent time limit, you have just removed his motivation for prolonging his homework. After all, no child would want to stay at his homework any longer than necessary unless there was some advantage or reward. What your child perceives as reward is more of your time, what he sees as advantage is that he gets his parents attention in competition with his siblings. So let's not forget this angle and note that a motivating factor could also be sitting with a parent and reading together if he finished his work before a certain time. Think about it and work with these concepts. You will be surprised!

Now we have everything all settled and done... whoops, what happens if he doesn't do what we want and he doesn't get his homework done, or needs more of his parents' time to do it, and he cries and whines and pleads with you for please, please just a little more help? Your answer can only be NO. You MUST be firm or don't even try this method. So he won't get all his homework done and his teacher will be mad at him. Well, I'm sure you will express how sorry you are for your son, but his teacher's displeasure is his problem, not yours. Do not get pulled into any discussions on this point. This would be attention. There is no anger if his homework is not done, just disappointment. Other children who have their homework done are receiving attention and rewards in the form of being able to do activities that they enjoy. He will see this and respond; you may have to wait him out. Watch out for new ways he will try to gain your attention and don't let him have it. I am sure he will prove to be quite clever and, unfortunately, somewhat stubborn; be prepared.

After your new routine is established, you may make allowances for projects and similar activities, but watch out for him slipping back. Remember, too, that the reward in the form of spending more time with you should continue as long as his homework is done as agreed upon. Do not underestimate how much this means to him, as it as a tendency to slip by under family pressure.

I hope the insights you have gained will lead to a more positive interaction between you and your son and, in fact, with your entire family! Wishing you and your family all the best! - Bracha

* For other examples of redirecting behavior through the control of attention, please see archives including columns, Sensitive 6 year old, My Daughter is 12 with ADD and Two Young Children Fighting.

**As a general rule I discourage T.V. watching and computer games, but if this is already the family norm, I would advocate their use in this situation, within reason and deal with these issues at a later date.