Attention

Q. Dear Bracha, I am finding the late afternoon hours almost impossible. With the new school year, my three year old and one year old come home from daycare extremely clingy and tired. I spend the whole afternoon trying to put them down and get them to play without constant attention. They cling to me, want to be held, and make it impossible to make dinner, focus on the other kids, and breathe!

A. Congratulations on your busy household! No wonder you feel challenged by this situation! You have chosen this path with children close in age and are feeling stretched, because you are being stretched and that's the way we grow, when we are being stretched. This is the time you will find resources that you never suspected you had. Not everyone could do what you're doing and do it so well. I can tell from your question that you are the type of person who is constantly trying to do better; your children are very lucky. Don't lose sight of that.

There are a few issues involved in your question; let's take a look at the heart of the matter first. You state, ''...my three year old and one year old come home from daycare extremely clingy and tired. I spend the whole afternoon trying to put them down and get them to play without constant attention.'' Now we will break this statement up into segments.

1. Your one and three year old come home tired and clingy

2. You spend the whole afternoon trying to put them down(for a nap)

3. Or? Get them to play without constant attention

4. You have no time to do other things because they cling to you

As you can see, when we break up your question in this manner, it shows you have over lapping and conflicting statements. There is always a difficulty in interpreting nuances in a written question, so forgive me if I am taking liberties with the information you have provided.

Method: First you must look at the situation from a more analytical point of view. This is not easy when you are so close to the situation. So for me, I envision you coming home and spending a lot of time trying to put your children down for a nap. Because this is taking a long time and, from your statement, is sometimes not successful, then I suggest you develop a new routine, based on your observations. In general there are four reasons why a child will not go down for a nap.

1. They are not tired - Question: did they nap at daycare?

2. They are not tired enough - Then tire them out more before you put them down for their nap

3. They (or one of them) no longer needs a nap - Then don't bother trying to give them a nap; just put them to bed earlier at night

4. They are in a very poor routine and are using the situation to gain more attention from you - then you must gain control of the situation

The analysis for numbers 1 to 3 are explicit enough; number 4 can be helpful by checking the archival information on sleeping problems. In essence, what we are saying is that if your child is not sleepy, don't bother trying to get him to go to sleep! On the other hand, if your child is sleepy, don't let him control the situation and keep your attention with his ''fussy'' behavior. This is purely an attention grabbing device. As noted before, your children want your attention and that is a normal thing. Used by them, it will drive you crazy; if it is used by YOU, you will be able to control their behavior. As mention throughout this column*, attention is a primary motivating factor for all children. This is the way they are ''hard wired'' and there is no sense in fighting against it. The idea is to use it and make it work for you. Attention includes eye contact, touch and vocalization (talking). Please remember that it doesn't matter to your child whether you've given them positive or negative attention - what matters is that you gave them attention. So giving them a lecture acts as a reward, even if it makes them sad. REMOVING attention, by not making eye contact, not touching and keeping vocalization to a barest minimum - short instructional phrases - serves to discourage behavior very effectively.

So the idea that you are getting frustrated over their behavior is not helping. You must make a decision based on your own analysis of the situation on what you can influence. Remember also that with children, divide and conquer is often a very effective tool. Even though they are young in age, one of them may not need a nap and be causing the other to stay up, making the other over tired and cranky for the rest of the day. Reality also has to be accepted. I know you would like your children to be asleep at the same time so you can have a break and get a few things done, but is this going to happen or are you wasting your time trying? Only you can decide. As well, most one year olds need constant attention, where as a three year old can be expected to do some independent play. Are they ''playing off'' one another? Can you stop this? - Remember to use the principles of attention, knowing that the three year old is not too young for consequences.

Lastly, try to use all your resources; bring the three year old into your ''sphere of influence'' as much as possible based on his need. This means when he needs your attention, give it to him on your terms. Have him play in the kitchen while you work, fold laundry with you, peel carrots. Let him color at the table while you work with your hands and recite a story to him from memory. This is positive attention that you control. It means that you are not ''free'' from your children, but that you control the situation in a positive way and the usual result is a calmer, more productive, atmosphere.

There is no way for me to know how old your other children are, but surely they can help look after their younger siblings when they get home. This should be expected of them. Work on a way to make it positive for them as well as making them feel grown up because of their ability to work so well and take care of their younger brothers/sisters. Make routines for your older children based on their age, abilities and other duties. Taking care of siblings is truly a very important part of growing up. Keep it positive; within their abilities and let them stretch too. Also remember, divide and conquer, you may still have to look after one of the younger children yourself, but it would be more manageable for you.

There are many possibilities for you to explore. Even though you may not be able to get significant time to yourself, I urge you not to accept this clingy behavior. After you have decided on the nap time and dealt with that, your next job will be this very obvious attention seeking ''clingy'' behavior and turning it around as we have discussed.

I am sure you will be able to get this situation under control and increase your joy from all your children. Wishing you and your family all the best! - Bracha

* There are many other subjects in the archives that discuss the concepts of attention and how to redirect it to effect behavior. If you wish further information on this important topic, I suggest looking through past columns, I suggest starting off with, Sensitive 6 year old, My daughter is 12 with ADD and Two young children fighting.