Get Rid of Kid's Behavior Problems with the Proper Consequences

Q. Dear Bracha, My children are seven and ten years old. There is a lot happening in our home and getting the children to behave is a problem. My mother says I am letting them run wild and not punishing them enough. I do believe that something needs to be done to calm things down a bit, but my kids are happy and I don't want to be yelling at them all day. What can I do?

A. Let me first commend you on your balanced approach to family life. You are quite correct when you say that you don't want to be yelling at your children all day; but yelling and child punishment are two different things. The way you talk about your children makes me feel that they get along well together, so you have a lot of good interactions in your family. I'm trying to read between the lines, which is not so easy to do. I'm guessing you are pretty satisfied with most of the interactions in your family. With this in mind, whatever changes you wish to make including consequences for actions and child punishment, should be minor and should be done slowly.

Parenting is just like every other part of our lives; there is always room for improvement. Unfortunately, there are always people who are ready to tell you what you are doing wrong and what they think you should do to put it right. The important thing to remember is that, in most cases, and certainly in this case, those offering you advice truly wish to help you and have your best interest in mind. However they may not realize they are driving you crazy. You can listen to whomever you wish to, be polite to all, but please know that everyone has a different opinion and every family is different. What worked for your mother, may not work for you. If that is the case, and no real changes need to be made, then don't worry about your mother's advice. Find the best way to have the best relationship you can with your mom while you and your lovely family remain true to who you are.

Now to your question about child discipline or child punishment. This may be another name for responsibility. You need to isolate what you want from your children. Do you want your children to come when called? Do you want them to talk respectfully? To stop fighting? Do you want them to stop running in the house? Make sure you have a clear picture of what you want before you try putting a new parenting plan into action. Most ''discipline'' means doing things asked in a timely manner. For this problem, I recommend using age appropriate and immediately consequences. For actions, such as running in the house, there is no end to the type of consequences you could give, such as a time out, ten push ups or sweeping the kitchen. The problem with this is it puts you into a position of a ''policeman''; you have to decide in advance if the behavior you wish to change is worth the effort that it will require. Children have to be able to relax and enjoy their home too. I think you are very aware of this. Pick the few things you think are the most important and leave the rest.

If getting your children to do chores is more your question, I would recommend you give your children a time limit to complete tasks. If the time limit has expired, call them, (no reminders after the initial instructions were given) and give an immediately consequence if the task isn't completed. For instance, if the task is to fold all the towels in the laundry immediately, then set a new time limit for the original task. Make two points clear:

1. Once your time limit is up, there is NO excuse to avoid the consequence and all consequences m must be done immediately!

2. Let them know that you are more than pleased to give them a consequence and are delighted to have more jobs done around the house.

Consequences can be used for all types of situations, to make them work you must be consistent, meaning do not let your children wiggle out of any consequences you have told them they have. They will come up with all sorts of excuses and misunderstandings. Do not fall for it. With utmost sympathy for their situation please tell them it is a family rule and they still have the consequence no matter what. Please watch out for the ''I didn't hear you'' or the ''you didn't tell me...'' the two most used excuses. Your response would be, ''I'm sorry you didn't hear (or understand), but you know the rule and you still have the consequence.''

Good luck to you and your healthy, active children! Wishing you all the best - Bracha