Specific Tips for Helping Parents Handle Children Talking Back

Q. Dear Bracha, My eleven year old son is very "mouthy" and is answering back to me rudely. How do I stop this awful behavior?

A. When children are talking back to a parent, quite a few things can be happen at the same time. It is important to recognize the shock value and attention that such a communication style provides. Before we get into the topic any further, let us make a clear distinction between talking back and children using foul language. Your question did not ask about the use of foul language and so I will not be discussing that here except to say that at no time should a parent allow their child to speak to them or anyone else that way. This is especially important between siblings; language is truly the basis of our civilization and the main tool for relationship building; the use of cutting and hurtful words can interfere with the closeness we hope our children will have, leaving deep pain that can last a lifetime.

Like all of us, children use language to communicate; what do children communicate when they are talking back to a parent or are being rude? We have talked about attention before and here it is no different. Sit back and review your latest encounter with your child. How much extra time did you spend with him because of his rude way of speaking? While this attention is negative attention, it's still attention, and his effort to get and hold your attention was, therefore, successful.

What else is happening? Your child is looking for shock value. What is the most common reason for a child to employ shock value? It's either to gain attention or for security issues. We've just discussed attention; now we can focus on security.

A child expects a parent to keep him within the boundaries of acceptable behavior. When a child is young, he views the world as an unknown, scary place; his parents protect him and keep him safe. If his parents cannot control his behavior, this shows that they could not possibly control these unknown forces of the “world”; therefore there is nothing to keep him safe. The child in question would then increase his confrontational behavior to try to provoke his parents into forcing him to behave, thereby proving to the child that the parents are capable of keeping him safe and secure. Did you get all that?

This actually took me an entire chapter in my book, so it's hard to do it justice in a Q & A column.

It's easier to see it in a younger child, how they will escalate until their parents take control. If parents don't take control, the child's behavior gets worse and worse. With an older child, the focus shifts from parents controlling the child to the child taking responsibility for his own actions. This is key!! There will have to be a consequence for his actions each and every time he talks to a parent in such a manner.

So, now there are practical methods for handling an 11 year old who is talking back. Certainly you should get on top of this as soon as possible. Sit down with your child during a quiet moment and have a private talk. Ask him what kind of relationship he imagines and wants. Listen to what he says, and from there discuss where your relationship is headed. How are the two of you going to get to where you want to be? You are his mother; you have to tell him to take out the garbage and do his home work and all sorts of things he may not appreciate - that's part of your job. Does he want a warm relationship with you or not? Does he want a screaming match every time you talk? Changing this largely rests in his hands because a mother has an obligation to run the home and supervise her children. Listen to what he has to say and make sure he is listening to what you are saying. Break down the problem areas.

Here are some suggested areas of discussion.

1. Try to put the problem into context that is relevant to him. Would he allow others to talk this way to him? How would he feel if someone came up to his mother, in front of him, and started to talk to her this way? Does it make a difference because he's her son? Why?

2. How does he see his interactions with you and what solutions does he have to the problem? Do not let him off here. If he were to say he sees no problem, go back to step #1

3. Work out a system of key words/phrases and consequences that you both agree upon, FOR BOTH OF YOU. In other words, there may be issues or areas of disagreement that he says trigger his outbursts. When a child begins to escalate in any known behavior pattern, key words or phrases can be agreed upon in advance, to assist in reminding the child that he must control his behavior. If he fails to do so he would then get an immediate consequence. For example, if a child was starting to get into an argument with a parent, key words for the parent to use may be “cool down”- or a phrase may be, “remember the Greeks!” You would use any phrase that you have previously agreed upon. It can be anything; these two are good examples. The first one is instructional and the second one works because it interrupts the thought patterns with an unrelated, agreed upon phrase. Since it's a non sequitur, it interrupts the flow of the conversation and causes that runaway/emotional factor that is present in most arguments or behavior patterns to be disrupted.

As you put this method into action, you must be realistic. Decide where you are setting the line for your child's behavior. You want to set up a child for success, so make sure that your goals are achievable for your child. You can always increase the level of acceptable behavior once your initial level has been reached. You must also expect that initially your child will make frequent errors and go right back to how he acted before your talk. This is to be expected. It takes a great deal of time and effort to change any habit and that is what you are doing here. Lastly, all rudeness or talking back MUST be followed by an immediate consequence. It doesn't have to be big, but it must be done right away.

As usual, you will have to work with these concepts and mold them to your own family. When you get this situation under control, you and your son will have removed a great deal of hostility from your lives, leaving more room for the feelings of peace and harmony and you both will be much happier for it. Wishing you and your family all the best. - Bracha

** Disclaimer: Bracha Mirsky is expressing personal and professional opinions and views. These opinions or views are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician, counselor or mental health professional. Bracha Mirsky is not responsible for the outcome or results of following her advice in any given situation. You are completely responsible for your actions and Bracha Mirsky accepts no liability for any situation in your life past, present or future.

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