What Everyone Should Know About Coping with an ADD Child

Q. Dear Bracha, My daughter is 12 years old and has ADD. She tends to take all the attention/energy/resources away from the rest of the family. How do we keep the balance?

A. I can feel your frustration. Dealing with a child with attention deficit disorder presents many difficulties and the solutions cannot be fully answered with in the scope of this column. There are a few things we can discuss that may help you in your journey with your daughter.

The first thing all parents in your situation must realize is that their child has been labeled. It may be accurate, or it may not. In very many ways a label becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. It is your job as parent to separate the “hard wiring” from the “programming”. In other words, what part of your child's behavior is the result of the way her/his brain perceives and processes data and what part of her/his (negative) behavior is learned.

There are clues that your daughter has formed a lot of poor behavior patterns that are technically independent from her attention deficit disorder. You stated, “She tends to take all the attention/energy/resources away from the rest of the family.” What a great success your daughter has been at getting and holding attention. It's important, now, to isolate when she seems to act up the most. Is it when you are giving attention to another child? Does the whole family turn its attention to her needs, giving her much desired attention? Once you've isolated the issues, it's time to make changes.

Making Changes: First, do not try to change everything at once. Remove attention from your daughter when she behaves in any way that you do not want her to. At the age of 12 she has a lot of knowledge; ADD and intelligence often go together. What you want to do is to give her positive attention rather than negative so that she will turn towards positive behavior. Praise, when earned, should be immediate and sincere with direct eye contact, smiles, a soft voice and appropriate touch. In the beginning, you may need to set her up for praise. Ask her to help a younger sibling or to do simple tasks around the house that you think she will agree to do. Praise her for these accomplishments. Being the focus of positive attention by the whole family is very rewarding and may alleviate the need for negative attention.

For many children with ADD, structure and routines are very important. Look for where added structure will be the most effective such as mornings, bed times, right after school and after meals. Pay attention to when she seems to have the hardest time and try to create a positive environment before a negative one sets in.

Lastly, I cannot discount the evidence that a diet free from sugar will be helpful to all children, especially those with behavior issues. Do a one week experiment, eliminating sugar from your family's diet and see if it changes your children's behavior.

I feel as though I have just skimmed the surface of your question regarding attention deficit disorder, yet I believe I have given you a lot about which to think. You are quite right about getting back to a balance in your family and I think your eyes are open with regards to the dynamics within your home. I hope you will find, to your pleasant surprise, just how smart your daughter is. Keep trying, she's worth the effort. Wishing you all the best. - Bracha