Finding the Right Parenting Skills for Your Home

Q Dear Bracha, My spouse and I don't see eye to eye on parenting. He is strict and heavy handed and I would rather keep the peace. What do we do?

A. I give you a lot of credit for asking this question. It is imperative that you are both on the same page with your parenting skills. We are not talking about minor differences, but about presenting a unified front to your children and not undermining each other. You must understand that your children can accept that one parent's style is stricter than another. It is when they play you off of each other or when one parent is upset over the actions of another that problems arise.

It is impossible for me to know what you mean by ''keep the peace'', or ''heavy handed''. Corporal punishment is a poor way to use parenting skills. If keeping the peace means giving in, that is a damaging scenario as well.

So let's talk about specific parenting skills. You would like to keep the peace and you are correct. The home MUST be a place of peace and a safe haven where you and your children can lay back, relax and regenerate. But at what cost? Yet, if you are constantly telling your children that they are doing something wrong, when can they relax? All parents have to decide what is important to them; not everything can be a priority, or they will drive their children crazy. You must decide which problems you will ignore and which you will tackle.

Children need some limits and consequences for their actions. You and your husband have some serious discussion to do about your parenting skills and your approach to parenting. I will leave you with one more point which I hope will help you both put into focus the type of parenting you want to do together.

Remember your job as parents is to help your children to become the adults you hope they will be. You should be aiming your parenting skills towards this task. There is no difference in the behavior you should expect from a young child or an older child; you simply need to focus at an age appropriate level. In other words, you would not accept a 15 year old stealing candy from a store (or hitting another person); neither should you accept it from an 8 or 5 or even 2 year old. The consequences would be different for every age group of course. Children learn how to act and what is acceptable by you teaching them and with the parenting skills that you present to them. Be consistent, wise and benevolent, but your word is the law.

I'm hoping you will find the journey in creating your own parenting program and using your parenting skills. This should be a journey that brings you and your husband closer together as you unite for the most important task of your life, raising your beautiful children. Wishing you all the best, - Bracha