Dealing with Disappointment

Q. Dear Bracha, my 4 year old has a hard time dealing with disappointment. Any incident (big or small) that doesn't go his way will "set him off" with tears, a temper tantrum, and more. What is an effective way to help a child learn to deal with disappointment?
Here's an example:
My son's bicycle broke and we hadn't had a chance to fix it yet. The next day when he realized that he couldn't take his bike to the park, the temper tantrum started. I reminded him that we would fix his bicycle soon, but in the meantime, he could pick another riding toy to take to the park. This wasn't good enough for him and he cried the whole way to the park and then lay on the ground screaming and crying for half an hour.
Thanks!

A. This is very classic child behavior that, though very common, is not addressed by most "modern" parenting techniques.

The reason is two-fold:

First, your child's behavior is an attention-getting device

Second, ignoring behavior often doesn't work and you are experiencing a perfect example of this.

These two behaviors complement each other so well that many parents are completely perplexed about how to handle the situation. Most advice given only adds to the negative behavior. Let me give you one warning; although your child is completely normal, not dealing effectively with this behavior can lead to worse, and more complex, behaviors, the first of which is already happening.

You have identified the problem yourself, as you stated "Any incident (big or small) that doesn't go his way will set him off". He doesn't have a problem with learning to deal with disappointment, per se. Rather, he is using your sympathy or embarrassment to get what he wants. Somewhere along the line, when he was younger, these behaviors did work. When a two year old cries, he is often catered to and given a lot of attention, usually ending up with whatever he wants. Depending on the circumstances that maybe OK, but as a child ages, we expect him to mature and we don't give in so easily to crying and whining. There comes a breaking point where a child will understand and adapt to the new expectations or he will up the ante; here, his behavior will become more and more difficult in an effort to elicit the reaction from his parents that he expects (giving into his demands).

Catering to such a child creates a very bad situation that can lead to the ''over-sensitive child'' syndrome. The child walks around with a cloud over their head, while the rest of the family tiptoes around him, hoping that nothing will happen to set them off; something, of course, always does. Such a child has never had to learn to control his emotions. You don't see too many adults screaming and throwing temper tantrums in the grocery store because the store is out of hot dogs. Though we get disappointed by many things everyday, we have learned to control our own emotions in these situations and we have learned how to deal with disappointment. This allows us to assess the situation, evaluate it, and deal with it; we can't do any of those things if were having an emotional meltdown.

The last piece of the puzzle is ignoring behavior. If ignoring behavior is going to work, it will work within three experiences as long as you are consistent. Consistency is the key! HOWEVER, if there is no positive change in behavior (meaning that they stop doing it), then it won't work. This means you must ACTIVELY discourage the behavior by giving consequences. Please remember to tell your children exactly what they should be doing; just say it as plainly as possible. For example: "When you are upset about something, I expect you to come to me so we can talk about it, crying unless you are hurt is unacceptable."

Start with one regular behavior; tell your son that he is a big boy now and that you expect him to behave that way. His daddy is able to talk about things that disappoint him without getting angry or crying, and that's what you expect your son to do, too. From now on if the child cries or screams to get a candy (or toy or whatever - make it a concrete as possible), then there will be a consequence. The consequence should be specified with an example given. Time outs may work for some children or you could confiscate a favorite toy for the day. The main idea with consequences is that it means something to your son and he will not like it. Even missing his favorite TV show can work. The trick is that it's best given immediately, especially for such a young age group as four year olds.

What you are doing is guiding your son towards proper behavior; the sooner he learns it the better. Even though we adults think that he can't possibly be having a fun time while having a temper tantrum, from his point of view he has nothing to lose. You have to get him out of this situation and consequences make a link between behavior and responsibility. Right now there is no downside to his poor behavior and somewhere inside his head he feels there is always the possibility of some positive spin offs. Maybe mom will give in. Maybe mom will feel so badly for me she will spend more time with me talking to me or giving me treats in order to make me feel better.

Have a good look at the situation and make your plan of action. Pick one common scenario and do not back down. Be consistent in your response or you will have him playing Russian roulette, always willing to play the odds that you will give in this time!

Even though it is true that boys will be boys... Moms still rule the roost! Wishing you and your family all the best - Bracha