The Secret of Dealing with Tantrums

Q. Dear Bracha, My 2 year old is out of control. When he doesn't get what the wants, he throws himself to the floor screaming. I have been told to ignore him and he will stop, but that doesn't work. He escalates, and starts throwing things! What do I do! Things are getting worse and this is now a regular occurrence at home!

A. You are very right to be concerned about these temper tantrums and you are making the correct decision to get control of the situation now. Your son is begging you to help him, which is what his escalating behavior means. If anyone thinks a child wants to act this way, just look at his face. Does he look happy, NO! He is out of control and needs help! The only way to deal with this looks very drastic to some people, so I caution you to think about it first, before you start. Once you start, you must not stop. To start and give up half way sends a terrible message; you will be worse off than if you had not tried anything in the first place. Before we begin, I want you to know now that every person who has tried this method and FOLLOWED THROUGH TO THE END has had a complete cessation of temper tantrums.

First, let's recognize the time, energy and attention your son receives as he escalates into and during his tantrums. Even in the aftermath, most children are showered with some form of attention, positive or negative. As long as you are focusing on the tantrums, that is reward enough for this behavior. The object is to decrease attention during negative behavior, which means the advice you received to ignore the temper tantrums was good. However, many children need direct intervention to provide security with boundaries of behavior, to keep children from floundering in situations like this.

THE METHOD: When your child escalates to a temper tantrum, pick him up and place him on your lap facing away from you. Wrap your arms about him in a gentle, but firm, manner (watch out for kicking and head butts!!) and say to him in a calm, but firm, voice, "When you calm down, we will talk". He will go ballistic! Hold on! Do not let go! Repeat the phrase, "When you calm down, we will talk" every 30 seconds. Do not say anything else. It usually takes 5 to 10 minutes for a child to calm down. When he is calm AND NOT BEFORE, let go of him and give him a very short instructional phrase such as, "We are calm and talk nicely when we want something". For the instructional phrase, the shorter the better. Do not go into a big discussion about why temper tantrums are bad. I assure you he already knows this and you are rewarding his negative behavior by increased attention. "But he is so young, how can he control himself?" is a comment I have often heard. Your child is smart; not only is he capable of controlling himself, but as you should be able to see from this situation, he is also capable of controlling you. The sooner he learns the proper boundaries of behavior, the better.

This very destructive behavior has no place in your home. Getting rid of it usually takes less than five experiences of gentle restraint. Remember, too, that your child was hurting himself, throwing items and eventually would have hurt others. "Growing out of it" can take a very long time, leaving all sorts of negative consequences in its wake. By using this method, you get rid of temper tantrums quickly and let your son's natural sunny disposition shine through. Wishing you and your family all the best! - Bracha