Moving To A Bed

Q. Dear Bracha, My son will turn three in November. He moved into a bed from a crib a few months ago. He wants me to sit nearby when he falls asleep and then he often wakes a number of times a night. He either tries to sleep in my bed when he awakens, or he insists that I come and sit in his room until he falls asleep again. I'm exhausted each day, but I don't want to do anything that will make him cry, as there are many other sleeping kids in the house.

A. Sleeping problems in children are very common and I thank you very much for sending this one in. It may be more properly stated that this problem is really that the bed time routine needs adjusting.

First I will have to ask you to read the archived material on this subject from a question answered ''Two Year Old Refuses to Fall Asleep.'' You will find a lot of good information regarding sleeping problems and how to look at the situation; however, that situation was for a child in a crib. The difference, as you already know, is that a child in a crib can't get out, and a child in a bed can.

You state you are exhausted, and from what you describe, no wonder! You have several options on how you are going to deal with the situation based on your own personality and how comfortable you feel with the situation as it evolves. The one thing that you must remember is whatever you choose to do, you must stick with it and be consistent.

Now you are about to experience the most common parenting position of them all in considering how to make your choices. What really matters is: What do I need and what can I live with in order to get there? We are talking about the gap that exists between theory and practice.

The reality of the situation is that, even though you will need to develop a good bed time routine, there are other factors that may not be solved easily. Then it will be of primary importance to solve them practically, keeping your primary goal in mind all the time. From what you wrote, your primary goal seems to be controlling the situation and YOU being able to get sleep!

Method: First you must get a handle on the bed time routine. It must be of a set pattern that you feel is adequate for your child's needs, nice soft and cuddly as suits you and your family's comfort level. Create a bed time routine of a set, limited duration. You must make this firm! If you don't, you will be constantly giving in and granting more and more ''snuggle'' time until you are back in the same position where you started! There is no sitting by him until he is asleep; give this some thought and explain this to him in a way he can understand and then stick with it! If you need to reassure him, then tell him he can come out of bed and get you if he has an emergency. Then explain to him very clearly what an emergency is, if he is bleeding, throwing up, has a fever, or there is a danger he must tell you about. Let him know that he will receive a consequence if he does not obey this rule. (I understand your child is only three; you may be using consequences or this may be new to him. Adjust this section accordingly) He will, of course, test you on this and come out to talk with you. As soon as he opens his mouth, you will interrupt him and ask, ''Is it an emergency?'' If he says ''No, but....'' you immediately cut him off and say ''You must go back to bed now; you can tell me in the morning.'' Keep repeating this as you usher him back to bed without anger, but without letting him get a word in edge wise. Be pleasant but no extra bed time cuddling. If he says that it is an emergency, you must, of course, let him speak, getting right to the point of the emergency. If it proves not to be an emergency then in a hard (not yelling) voice you will tell him that is not an emergency. Give him a consequence (taking a favorite toy for a day or keeping him from watching a favorite program tomorrow) and then send him back to bed. If you can get him to go on his own, that is the best option.

So, we have solved the easy part - getting you child to sleep; now for the hard part! As it happens, I had a similar situation with my twins. In my case, when they woke up at night and came to my bed for a snuggle, the first time I sent them back after a few minutes. Then I said to my sleepy self, there is a staircase between our bed rooms they must pass by. Surely, if they made it to me with no problem they can make it the other way with no problem. But, of course, ''mommy guilt'' won and I heaved myself out of bed to check on them. Sure enough, I found one of them sprawled half way down the stairs, looking dazed. Well, that was the end of that. I tried a few times to walk them back to bed, tuck them in quickly and leave. This may work for you, but it didn't work for me. Oh they stayed in bed alright, but the short walk to their bedroom woke me up too much and by the time I could get back to sleep... well my puffy eyes and slow motion movements the next day attested to my shortened night. So, I feel what you're going through!

Here is an example of practicality. My solution was this; I placed a pillow and blanket on the floor at the side* of my bed. When a twin would come to my bed to snuggle I would let him in for one minute only and then tell him that's enough and gently help him to lie on the floor and cover him with the blanket. They seemed very content to stay there all night without further problems. I would also tell you to not let your son into your bed for more than one snuggle a night by tell him that he is only allowed one snuggle and he's already had it, then lower him back to the floor. Be firm on this point! You know when it's a make it our break it point, and this is one. I have recommended this to other parents who have similar problems and it usually works quite well.

The last thing I will say on the matter is that at some point you may have to let him cry and deal with its effects. If you are so afraid of him crying that you will not allow it, he will perceive this fact and use it to his best advantage. In other words, if your actions are so altered that you will do anything rather than let your son cry at night, he has you! You are helpless before him. This is not acceptable; you must not put your self in this situation. It is totally artificial. Do the best you can. I am sure everything will work out well and if he cries and you will deal with him without giving in. Within a few nights he will see you mean business and things will settle down.

Wishing you and your family all the best! - Bracha

*More accurately I had a pillow and blanket set on each side of my bed as it was common for both twins to make a night visit.