Siblings & A New Baby - Adjustments for All

Q. Dear Bracha, My children are 8, 3, and 1.5. We are bringing a new baby into the house soon. Do you have recommendations for a smooth transition? I'm certainly hoping for a way to help them to welcome the baby without jealousy and without vying for my time.

A. As an experienced mother, you already know that your children are constantly ''vying for your time.'' That is their nature. In this column, I always try to point out that this is precisely how parents can influence children; children naturally seek out their parents. They in fact NEED to have attention from their parents. If they don't receive it in a positive way, they will be satisfied to receive it in a negative way, as long as they get it!

So I must tell you that the best way to deal with the challenges in the shift of family dynamics your new baby will bring, is to embrace it. Do not run from these questions that you have raised; each and every one is sharp and to the point! Turn these questions around as they represent the reality you are about to experience.

Method: Examine each problem in the opposite direction; first, let's look at jealousy. Why would anyone be jealous of a baby? You will have your own answers for this, but let me suggest just a few.

1. Mom spends more time with the baby than with me.
2. The baby seems more important (special ) than I do.
3. Mom likes the baby more than she likes me.
4. Everyone comes over to see the baby; no one pays any attention to me.

When a new baby comes in the house there is a sense that mom will now be occupied with baby to the exclusion of all else; that's where the trouble all starts. So, I will ask you an important question: Why is that necessary? Look at the list above. Anyone would feel left out if that list holds true for their ''new baby'' experience. So don't exclude the other kids, include them. What seems like more work initially, will pay off big dividends as time goes on, with the first big payment being less friction in the home. Let all your children know that this is a family enterprise and they will all be expected to help because you are FAMILY, and that's what family does.

Let's take these one at a time:

#1 - Mom spends more time with the baby than with me.
Everything your children can do for you and the baby they should be doing. From the 3 year old getting you diapers to the 1.5 year old bringing a blanket over and putting it across all of you, (baby, mom and himself) during feedings to keep baby warm. Let your 8 year old know he is your major support, because even though the others will try to help, they are really a bit too young to do much. He is your gofer, the one who runs to get you everything and who's help you could not do without. Make sure you tell him so!

#2 - The baby seems more important (special ) than I do.
This is neatly handled by pointing out how great it is that your older child can do so many things and how you can hardly wait until the baby is grow up and can learn to do these things too. No matter what age, any child can do more than a baby. They love to hear this frequently every day; be specific and truthful in your comments.

#3 - Mom likes the baby more that she likes me.
You may want to think of your own line but I always liked, ''The baby is terrific, but I am so glad that god gave you to me first...''

#4 - Everyone comes over to see the baby; no one pays any attention to me.
This can be a problem. I suggest that you may solve it in different ways depending on circumstances and who the visitor is. For instance, after a brief visit, if it is someone capable, ask them to take care of the baby for a few minutes, something most people would actually love to do. Then go to your older children and say something like, ''I'm so glad ''------'' came over to visit and play with the baby; now I can relax and spend some time with you.''

I hope these suggestions get you thinking about techniques that will work best in your home. It can be done, and remember that inclusion is always far better than exclusion!

With regards to ''vying for your time,'' this is the essence of a child's behavior. Through your observations you will see who needs more attention from you and you must strive to give it to them in a positive manner. No squeaky wheel gets the oil parenting! Don't teach them to do negative behaviors or have problems in order to get your attention. If they are doing this, make sure you remove attention from them!* Keep them busy and keep them close. For example: get the 8 year old involved reading stories for his younger siblings while you're in the room, or have them set the table, with the 3 year-old's help (buy plastic everything!). Be there looking after baby. As long as you're in the room making small talk and participating with smiles and eye contact, they will be getting a lot of satisfaction from you. This means that you stay seated. You are now in a management position! You can set things up so your children have helpful items more easily accessible; therefore, they can be more helpful.

There is no doubt that yours is a busy home and, as such, you are stretched a little thin. I hope you can work with these ideas and find ways that work with your children. You will find them more capable than you thought and more willing to help. Wishing you and your family all the best - Bracha

*Check out more information on this topic in the column on Attention