Dealing with Regression in Children

Q. Dear Bracha, My child is 5 years old and is the oldest of 4. She sometimes acts like a little child and copies everything that her little siblings do. How can I help her to become mature? I tend to get very nervous when she does this and I tell her that she is a baby and that she can’t go to school. I know this isn’t the right approach. What should I do?

A. What you are describing is a very common problem called “regression.” There are a few theories about why it happens, most of which fit into the method that I train parents to use regarding understanding behavior and the need for attention.

As you may have observed in this column, to change behavior you need to understand that it’s natural and normal for a child to need attention from his/her parents. Attention includes: eye contact, touch and verbalizations (talking). Please note that attention is so powerful a need it will be sought positively or negatively; your child’s goal is to get your attention in any way possible. So, your daughter is getting a lot of reinforcement to continue her behavior through the attention that you are giving to her. She is getting what she wants, and that’s you! She needs you; so let’s see how she can get what she needs in a more positive way.

There is one more essential component to keep in mind, and that is the reason your daughter started acting this way. Your daughter made a correct observation that younger members of the family get more attention from you. Similarly, she sees that certain behaviors are rewarded with mom’s attention, which is why she started copying what her little siblings were doing. This was very clever of her. Keeping ahead of your clever daughter will be a challenge, but it’s well worth the effort!

METHOD: Remember that in order to influence behavior, a parent must be able to remove attention from the negative behavior and place attention as a reward for positive behavior. Children should never be trained to leave adults alone; rather they should be trained to be part of the family, as we all work together and help each other. Even at the age of five, your daughter has a lot to give.

First of all, you will have to ignore her regressive behavior. I am sure you have already told her it is not good, so she knows this. Every time you talk to her about it, you are, again, rewarding this negative behavior with attention. I suggest giving her tasks that help you. While she is assisting, shower her with appropriate praise, telling her that you are so happy or grateful having a big girl like her to help mom. Build up her self-esteem and help her think positively about herself. Tell her how much help she is and that you are glad you have an older daughter to talk to. You shouldn’t put down the younger children during this process; it’s just that they are not old enough, yet, to be as helpful and fun as she is. You can explain to her that someday her siblings will also be helpful, especially when they have a good example to follow.

You will be amazed at how well this works. Be consistent and do not let her gain your attention inappropriately. If she regresses to her old behavior, give her time-outs only if you must; the better path is to ignore her at this stage when she regresses. She can get a diaper for you, hold things, and help fetch and carry. When she helps you, you will reward her with strong eye contact, with a smile and with touch. Always keep your praise specific and justifiable. For example; when she helps set the table, tell her what a good job she did only if she did a good job. If the cutlery is set very neatly, mention it! Remember that, although your hands may be busy at many tasks during the day, your mouth is usually not. Bring your daughter into your “sphere of influence” as often as you feel appropriate. Talk to her, find out about her day, recite an interesting piece of family history or tell her a story from memory.

She loves being with you, so let her and both your lives will be richer for it. Let this be the pattern for all your children. Mothers should be supervisors, encouraging and assisting children to do as many age appropriate tasks around the house as possible. Create a family system based on doing things together, with smile, sincere appreciation and attention as their only rewards for a job well done. Wishing you and your young and busy family all the best! - Bracha

** Disclaimer: Bracha Mirsky is expressing personal and professional opinions and views. These opinions or views are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician, counselor or mental health professional. Bracha Mirsky is not responsible for the outcome or results of following her advice in any given situation. You are completely responsible for your actions and Bracha Mirsky accepts no liability for any situation in your life past, present or future.

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