Helping Dispell Sibling Rivalry

Q. Dear Bracha, My sons are 7 and 8 and very competitive. My older son has reading trouble, and my younger one is breezing through school. How do I ensure that my older son continues to feel good about himself when he sees himself struggling and his younger brother doing so well?

A. It is so wonderful to have siblings so close in age! There is a very strong potential for them to be the best of friends and help each other and support each other throughout their lives! You are very correct in your assessment of the situation. I congratulate you on your far thinking attitude. You have foreseen the possible self-esteem issues and, if such a thing were to happen, it could very well spill over to interfere with the harmonious relationship between siblings.

When we are talking about self-esteem, there are a few things to consider. The most important is to evaluate what true self-esteem is. The problem these days is that we are attempting to provide self-esteem by inundating children with positive comments on absolutely everything! It is difficult to give global guidelines on such a topic, but I urge you to think about how you communicate with your children. There is a difference between having a ''positive style'' of communication where you are pleasant and approachable as opposed to feeling forced to make comments such as ''good listening'', ''good remembering'' or ''good coming when called''. Good good good good good.... By making everything worthy of praise, nothing has any merit. Though praise is important; children know when it has been won and they know when it has true value.

To succeed in having true self-esteem, you must do something that is of true worth and do it well. So, I give you a challenge. What is your 8 year old son capable of that is of worth? What could he do, with assistance if necessary, that most of his peers cannot? Give him some regular duties at home that really help you, praise him justifiably for it and don't allow his younger brother to do it because he isn't old enough yet. I have recommended in the past that parents should expect better behavior from an older child; some see this as being ''unfair''. Depending on your beliefs and the dynamics in your home, it is helpful for some children to be reminded that their place in the family is special and with that ''specialness'' comes responsibility. An older child is wiser and better able to control himself compared to a younger child, so a higher standard is expected of him. He also has the responsibility to be a good example for younger siblings. Above all, he should remember that it was no accident that he was born first; a Higher Authority decided on that for very important reasons.

Lastly, I would like to put in a comment about the reading difficulty your son is experiencing. I would encourage you to have him tested for an eye tracking problem, as it is commonly overlooked and an easily rectified condition. Please speak to your pediatrician and have him seen by a child specialist.

As time goes on, I wish you much success in turning your children's healthy competitiveness into energetic cooperation as these two young men find out how they can spark their creative talents while working together. Wishing you and your family all the best - Bracha