Make-Up And Teenagers

Q. Dear Bracha, My 12 year old daughter wants to start wearing make-up and I don't want her to. How do I put my foot down and help her to deal with the peer pressure that she is experiencing?

A. A OOOH, ouch! Why do people on this site ask such tough questions! Your question with regards to your daughter is a classic teenager vs. parent situation. There are rules in any household and all members of that household are expected to adhere to those rules. Once a child gets to be a teenager, such as your daughter, the relationship with parents can become very complex. A lot rests on how the relationship has been until now and what rules teenagers have been exposed to. Children are rarely brought up in a vacuum; surely the idea of make-up was mentioned, even in passing, and comments as to its appropriateness were made. From these comments or lack of them, your daughter had a chance to get a forewarning of what the rules would be. So I must ask you to assess the situation: Is the idea of not being able to wear make-up coming out of the blue or did your daughter have warning that this would not be allowed at this age?

If she had warning that this would not be allowed, you would be able to take a harder stand. However, if she had no warning that make-up would not be allowed, then it's understandable that she would be more resistant to giving up this idea.

I cannot possibly answer this question in a concrete way, as I would need details about the relationship between you and your daughter and the circumstances and family dynamics. These all play an important role. However I can suggest a few things that may be helpful.

In general, it is best to paint a picture for teens for them to get a good understanding of the issues; this is especially more important for younger teens. The issue should not be ''because your mother says so.'' Although this answer is justified in certain cases and even perhaps necessary, it should be used sparingly. Don't forget that a spurned teen can always defy you once she/he is out of view. There is nothing stopping your daughter from obtaining make-up and keeping it at school, and putting it on there without your knowledge. It is far better to gain the willing cooperation of your teen, even if slightly begrudged.

To this end, you need to be able to put your own reasons for not wanting your daughter to wear make-up into concrete terms. See what you can do to be able to represent you concerns in a realistic manner, as your daughter will disregard any over-the-top drama or shock treatment. She sees other girls every day with make-up and they seem fine, so what are you going to say to that? Decide what your rationale is - Is the issue one of personal preference? Is it because you feel it makes your daughter seem ''easy''? Is it for religious reasons? All of these have legitimacy and can be represented in an honest fashion.

Pick a quiet time when you have not been arguing about anything and have a discussion with your daughter. Listen to her; ask that she listen to you. Set the ground rules. If she raises her voice, the discussion is over and the answer is no! Make this stick in all discussions with children, as there is a difference between discussion and argument. For what it's worth, there are a few other ideas on make-up for you and your daughter to consider. Make-up often makes acne worse. Make-up is not an all or nothing deal, perhaps wearing light, almost natural make-up or just a little blush and eye shadow until a certain age would be a compromise. If this is a contentious, issue then have the agreement put into writing that you both should sign. If she gives her word on something, she should know she is expected to keep it. Having it written is very important as a spoken agreement is often subject to interpretation and the frailty of memory.

As for dealing with peer pressure, I am sure you know by now who her friends are and if they are good people. If they are not, then you must move heaven and earth to get her away from them. Teens, even more than any other age, need to belong. She must have a peer group where she is comfortable. Try to open her eyes to the influence that others may have on her. Make her very aware that there are leaders and there are those that follow them like sheep. She should not be a sheep! She has a good brain and a good sense of right and wrong. Do some role playing with her to strengthen her guard against these influences. Never ''knock'' her friends. If they have done something wrong, you must say so, but criticizing them as a general form of education may backfire as well as being unkind.

I hope you can reach an agreement with your daughter that will work for both of you. It is important to have a method of communication that is effective and positive, as these teen years are so full of growth. We, parents, face new challenges to help our children grow into adults and guide them to be independent. We need to let them gain the skills necessary for making good decisions, while keeping them from mistakes that can do them harm.

Wishing you and your family all the best - Bracha