Practical Ways to Give Positive Attention to Toddlers

Q. Dear Bracha, My 16 month old wants to be held all the time. He cries when I put him down and wants constant attention. I know that people say just to let him cry it out, but he'll literally follow me around the house attached to my leg. What do I do?

A. You are quite correct in your assessment of the situation. The conventional wisdom is that if you ignore poor behavior it will go away. Oh, if only things were so simple! Sometimes ignoring behavior does work; unfortunately most of the time it does not. The reason you should be proactive in this situation is because twofold:

1- your child will not give up easily, as he has nothing else to do but beg for your attention.

2- ignoring your child as he continues to demand attention will not make you feel better- it will likely make you feel worse.

Instead of pretending that the problem does not exist (which will likely encourage your child to keep begging for attention), you need to implement a retraining program based on the elements of attention driven behavior which we have been discussing in this column.

When dealing with such a young child, you have two strikes against you. Firstly, his speech is limited, so discussing the matter will yield limited results. Secondly, his ability to retain information or assess the situation is fixed at a basic level. It is to this basic level that you must aim your efforts. You have no other choice than to ''retrain'' your son on how he is to conduct himself. If you are able to understand how this situation started, you may gain some insights into what you should be doing; however even if you can't see this, the principals remain the same.

Before you start your retraining program, I suggest you try to ''clear the slate''. In an effort to strengthen his concepts of security and place some distance between his poor behavior and the new behavior you are going to encourage, I suggest when you are ready to start, you begin by holding him 24/7. Do not let him cry or have an opportunity to show any poor behavior for three days to a week. Then you will introduce your retraining program. Make sure you have a written plan to help you stay on track.

Method: Using the ideas that have been discussed here before, you must decide how to encourage good behavior and discourage bad behavior. It is legitimate for your son to demand your attention- but it must be on your terms! You have the right- and the obligation- to decide how he will come into your ''sphere of influence''. Whatever you decide, you must know you cannot go easy on him, or your son will be wrapped around your ankle again. Removing him a second time is twice as hard. So, give this a lot of thought before you act; you must pinpoint attention, both its addition for good behavior and removal during poor behavior. Respond to his inappropriate behavior with consequences appropriate for your child (yes, even a 16 month old can learn to understand the nature of consequences). He may resist at first, but eventually he will learn to accept the consequences of his actions.

Example: Bring your son into the kitchen while you are working there. Instruct him of the following rules:

1- You will be telling him a story while you work. He is to play and listen to the story.

2- You will set a timer to ring, and when it does, you will snuggle with him for 5 minutes- just the way he likes to snuggle.

3- If he cries or wants to be picked up during the story time, the story will stop and he will have to sit in a corner for 2 minutes. Do your best the first week to really encourage him, keeping him happy with toys or activities he likes and can use independently, so that he is less likely to want the attention negatively. However, you MUST stick to your rules and know that he will certainly test you. Do not weaken your resolve; he will cry to be picked up and when he does, he must face the stated consequence. Remember that it will only work if he cannot get attention from you, meaning that you will put him in a corner and turn your back. Or put him in a gated area where he is safe and cannot get out. When you give him the consequence and stop the story as a warning, do not make eye contact with him, and try to limit your interaction with him to five words or less (for example, tell him 'no crying or corner').

Now, let's evaluate the worst case scenario. You start the story and your child immediately cries and wants to be picked up; you warn him; it does no good. He won't stay in a corner and he just goes for your ankle as soon as you put him down, so you put him in the gated area. He screams. You leave him there for one minute. Then you come back and say ''stop crying and you can come out'' and if he does not immediately comply, walk away and come back in another minute. Repeat the instructions: ''Stop crying and you can come out'' and then walk away again and repeat this every minute for as long as it takes. Show no anger, be relaxed and don't explain anything else to him or provide him with any additional attention! He will eventually calm down, even if it's only for a short while, giving you the opportunity to show him the reward; when he has completely stopped crying, then you will pick him up and hold him. By seeing him once a minute, you are providing security that he is not abandoned while helping yourself see that he is coming to no harm.

Watch his actions and reactions; the idea is to remove any type of possible reward in terms of attention he will receive during negative behavior. This can be very tricky. Talk it over with your husband and see what ideas you can brainstorm. You know your child best. Will you go ''cold turkey'' and do this new routine all at once? Or will you start with a certain well defined time of day, perhaps from preparing supper to bed time and expand it when you have gained constant success? If you chose to go the latter route, give this activity a name such as ''story time'' or ''working together time''. Make it something that separates it from the rest of the day so he knows that a special type of behavior is required. Some children get confused by the change in the expected behavior and may do better with a completely new routine. If you were to try to enforce this behavior all day, it may be more difficult, but it may yield more fruitful results.

I hope you will be able to take these ideas and mold them to your unique circumstance. You are working with your own special and very persistent child! Wishing you and your family all the best.

-Bracha