Terrible Twos and Tantrums - There IS Hope

Q. Dear Bracha, My 16 month old wants to be held all the time. He cries when I put him down and wants constant attention. I know that people say just to let him cry it out, but he'll literally follow me around the house attached to my leg. What do I do?

Q. Dear Bracha, My 2 1/2 yr old daughter loves going out, but the problem is that she never wants to return home. I take her out most mornings, and she throws a tantrum when it's time to return. I always try to give her a five minute warning, but she just tries to run away. We usually go out in the morning, and I know we try to return when she's tired and ready for a nap; but she acts this way even if we go out in the afternoon or evening. Help!

A. Your problem is a very interesting one and, as you may surmise, the trick to getting a handle on this situation is a keen analysis of what your child is doing and why. The only person capable of doing this correctly is you! You are going to have to take a step back and with your ''inner eye'' watch your own actions and how your daughter is reacting to you.

Over 80% of all child behavior is directed by two main factors:

1. The need for attention
2. The need to feel secure

Both these needs are hard wired into our brains and run at a subconscious level, meaning that children are not aware of what is motivating them to act the way they do. BUT, if you, their parent, are aware of their motives, then you can direct their behavior!

So, as you analyze the situation, the first question you have to ask your self is, ''How much attention does my daughter get when I am dealing with this behavior?'' Remember, even if it is a negative form of attention, it will still act as a reward for negative behavior. In most cases, a child will receive a lot of attention during negative behavior and this must be minimized. Attention includes any talking, touch and eye contact. As far as possible, these should be removed and communication brought down to short instructional phrases only. Look into the archives for more examples on redirecting negative behavior. Note that her running away when given the 5 minute warning is a really great attention getting device!

However, it is my feeling that you may have better results looking at the situation from a security point of view. (Although, both the principles of security and attention should be used.) When we talk about security, we are talking about a child's belief that their parents are capable of taking care of everything and keeping them safe. The concept of ''testing'' that we parents go through is part of this; as a child makes sure that the parent is still in control of everything. Problems can arise if a child ''tests'' only to find out that the parent is not in control - this shakes up the child's belief and basis of security; obviously, this is not tolerable... so the child will act out more in order to provoke the parent(s) into taking back control over the situation and proving that they can keep the child safe and secure. This attempt at provoking the parents to take back control, if not handled well, can escalate as the child's behavior deteriorates.

So there's your answer, but what does this mean you have to do?

Method:

1. No more 5 minute warnings, as they are counter productive in this situation.
2. Give short instructional phrases on how you expect her to act. For example: ''That's enough; now no more crying''
3. Never act helpless before her! If you feel the best action is to pick her up and take her home, then do it! Remember to make sure you are not rewarding her. Do not talk to her during the trip home while she displays such a negative behavior. In addition, don't talk to her as you carry her, even though you may be saying how bad her behavior is. Silence would be better.
4. Use the gentle restraint* method to deal with temper tantrums.
5. Always have a positive behavior in mind that you will be guiding her towards, to replace the negative behavior. In this case, have a special game that you play with her ONLY on the way home.
6. Remember to watch both attention and security issues. Pay attention to potential rewards that you provide for her negative behavior though the increased interactions you have with her and how she is able to get you to ''give in'' or ''be helpless'' when confronted with her behavior. These must stop!

I hope this will help you in your quest to analyze your daughter's behavior and lead her towards a more positive way in dealing with the end of out door play. Two and a half is a very formative time for children and they are learning so much! This includes what is acceptable behavior and what is not. I hope the information I have given you will help you lead your daughter towards more positive behaviors. Wishing you and your family all the best. - Bracha

* Please see archives for a column on dealing with temper tantrums.